I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
