All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
