Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
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noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
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I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes