I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.