I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day