I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...