that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
