There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
