Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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