There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
