shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
