i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
