he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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