Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
