shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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