naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
