Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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