I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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