"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Boobs are out for the taking
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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