drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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