Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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