i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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