I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
