when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
