It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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