And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Umm I'm too high to move.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
