Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
