I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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