Im at strip club and am horny
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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