apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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