Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
