??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
where does the pee come out of this thing
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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