I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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