Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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