Your tits are I can't wait for
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
