Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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