Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
