What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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