you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
