he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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