I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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