He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
