Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You should frame my arrest warrant.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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