So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
