do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
