I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
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I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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