matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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