pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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