the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
