you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
