Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
