Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
