After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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