someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
