I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
